Marriage and Children

With the legalisation of same-sex marriage in South Africa since the Civil Union Act, 2006 came into force on 30 November 2006, now we have the opportunity to address the question, “Should we get married?”

The answer to this question is complex, especially for couples who have been in committed unions for years outside of marriage. As both an institution and a relationship status, marriage signifies community, loyalty, morality, properties and inheritance, as well as social status (Yamin, 2012). Due to the plurality of public and private meanings associated with marriage, the ability to marry has immense effects on individuals in same-sex relationships.

Also, changes in laws and developments in reproductive technologies make it possible to become a parent as an openly lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or intersex (LGBTI) person in many countries, including South Africa. Many gay men are now openly able to make choices about whether or not to have children and, if they do wish to have children, which pathways are available to them (e.g., adoption, foster care, invitro, surrogacy etc.). However, even though the law supports their family and reproductive rights, the reproductive choices and parenting of gay men still challenges their thought processes around their choices.

In celebration of Men’s Month, UNIQ Magazine spoke to a few Gay people on their thoughts and preferences when they are planning to settle down and have their own families. We posed two questions and here are their responses:


As a Gay person, what are your three priority things to consider when deciding on a Civil Union/Marriage?

XOLANI MNCWANGO & HUBBY
XOLANI
Understanding- where you and your partner have a great understanding of each other’s character and personality, understanding of who you are, what you want and what you are willing to build.

Commitment – one needs to be highly committed to the concept of marriage in the sense that in marriage things are not always fun and nice, so when people are committed to make things work and are committed in a union, they always find a way to make things work.

Honesty – the couple entering a union needs to be very honest with each other and about each other. Honesty goes a very long way, where you are even honest about how you feel about something, and if something doesn’t sit well with you, that you are honest enough to be able to voice it and tell when you are in disagreement. Honesty is not only about your partner being honest about what they have done but about you being honest as an individual about what you want and what is it that is important to you and your marriage.

XOLANI’S HUBBY
Friendship: We need to be more than partners; we need to be friends, best friends as the base of our relationship.

Forever: Are we at a point where when we look into the future, we still see each other together- loving respecting and still caring for one other?

Life Partner: Someone who sees me for who I am and values me, my beliefs and is my spiritual anchor, someone who we can embark on a life journey together.

AYANDA BASSON
Love: You can’t get married without love, so you must be in love with your partner first.

Financial Stability: Be financially stable, do not live on paycheque, afford yourself so that you do not become a burden to your partner.

Property Owner: Someone who has their own space to stay or a car, so that when we decide to move in together, we have choices to move into one of our properties or we look for a new one.

MIYENDA MONGWE
Love & Courage: Marriage is a big step; you need to have courage to love. I come from an abusive home, so I built courage first to show love and compassion to my partner. Also ask yourself – is this the person you really love without being fictitious?

Financial Stability: Live within your means, be financially wise and be in a position where you can build your own wealth. You need to look at your finances, not what you have now but look into the future, check each other’s credit bureaus.

Commitment: Do not get married because you are in it for fun and fame but be committed and be in it for a long ride.


What are the three priority things to consider when deciding on having children as a single parent and as a couple?

XOLANI MNCWANGO
Financial stability: I do not think you will ever be financially okay to be able to raise a child, but a couple needs to be financially stable, so that you can be able to make ends meet and be able to bring a child and look after a child.

Conducive Space: You need to consider if you do have a conducive space to raise a child, raising a child in a conducive space is very important, you can’t raise a child while you are still hopping from one place to another.

Readiness: Are you ready to raise a child? One needs to be ready to raise a child.

XOLANI’s HUBBY
Financial Stability: Are we in a stable situation financially to have a child?

Love: Will we be able going to give that child love, care and spiritual support they need?

Education: Will we be able to give them quality education that will set them up for life?

AYANDA BASSON
Financial Stability: I am not a children person, but in general one should ensure that they are financially stable, this is very imperative when you bring a child or when you have a responsibility to look after somebody.

Close proximity to School: When you decide on having children, you should consider buying a property that is closer to your child’s school.

Love: Be a loving parent, be there as parent, take care of your child, be friends with them, understand them and live in the now.

MIYENDA MONGWE
Love: Adoption is an option for me, but I need to ask myself – what I would offer to a child, am I going to be a better parent, do I have enough love to give to my child?

Role Model: Am I bringing someone who will look up to me and see their hero- can they rely on me on anything?

Readiness: Am I ready to look after a child- emotionally, financially and socially?