Masculinity is not cast in stone
Masculinity is not cast in stone says father of Gay Teen
Society has become more open and accepting of LGBTQ individuals, and young people are beginning to come out at earlier ages than they did a generation ago. However, it is sometimes not easy for LGBTQ teens to come out. Their journey often begins with tears, self-loathing, and sometimes substance abuse. The adolescent pressure to fit in collides with the desire to be honest with friends and family. They struggle to accept themselves and worry who might find out. They are often bullied or ostracised by their peers.
Fortunately, Mmeli Skhosana (18) says he has a “very accepting and open parent.” When he first came out to his father, Nkosinathi Appies (47) at age 11, his father accepted his son and vowed to support him in every life decision he makes. His response was key, he says, giving him emotional security and the knowledge, he wouldn’t be rejected, along with making home a safe place.
Nkosinathi says Mmeli chose to come out over the phone. “He called me and told me that he is gay, meaning he does not like to date women but prefers to date men. My first reaction was confusion. I thought that he did not fully understand what he was saying because he was still young at 11 years old,” recalls Nkosinathi.
Mmeli’s new revelation had Nkosinathi confused but he decided that he would not treat his son any differently. “I decided to be positive and did a lot of research about sexuality and what it means to be gay. I was glad that he had chosen to confide in me and that I did not hear the news from other people,” he said.
When Nkosinathi shared the news with the rest of his family, they too were confused and felt that Mmeli was too young to make such a drastic life choice, but now they accept him and understand his lifestyle. “I sat down with them and talked with them at a family meeting and made them understand that we need to accept him and support him because he is young,” he said.
Currently the relationship between Mmeli and the whole family is good. “As a father he respects me and even approaches me as his friend,” quips Nkosinathi. He would like people to see Mmeli beyond his sexuality and realise that he is a teenager like any other. “He is a respectful person, and he likes fashion and modelling. I wish that I could buy him all the latest fashion trends he wishes to wear. He is beautiful and looks good in anything he wears. I would like him to achieve his dream of being a fashion designer and model,” says Nkosinathi.
A word of advice to other fathers who have gay children, Nkosinathi says: “If you are a man, stand up and be a man, don’t disown your child, instead make sure they get the support they need. Make sure that people understand your child and stand by them. You may need your child in future. Protect them and make them feel comfortable.”
Nkosinathi says that living with a gay son has taught him that masculinity is not cast in stone. Feminine-presenting gay men are still disadvantaged compared to gay men who present in a more traditionally masculine way. “There are different types and shades of masculinity and I’ve learned that … it’s OK to be who you are,” says Nkosinathi.
Experts say research shows that how parents respond can be fundamental to their children’s mental health and well-being, now and in the future.
Read our USEFUL INFORMATION section for parent’s tips on how to respond to your child’s sexual orientation.
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